An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time
Whitesnake, anyone? Good song. Relevant, I think, to my life right now.
HOW is it the end of August already? HOW, I tell you?
I did it again, as you may have noticed. I slacked off. I moved, my beloved kitty died (he was 16, so he had a GREAT life, but sad to see him go) and I wrote an exam for a university course that I am taking, so my life the past few weeks has been packing, studying and, sadly, grieving.
It’s just an excuse, though. I know it is. I could make exercise a priority in my life. I think, for most of us, not having enough time is really not true. My life was this: go to work, come home from work, eat supper, study, pack, go to bed. I studied for an hour and packed for an hour every night, if that. So where did all of those other hours go? Sure, there was a little time for me to make supper or to pack my lunch for the next day. But there was also definitely time for me to have squeezed in 30 minutes of exercise. But I didn’t, because I am not accountable for my time. Like most of us, I get sucked into my computer and my phone and before I know it, I’ve spent half an hour looking at some random article that I don’t really even care about.
My life has simplified a lot now, which is nice. I have fewer commitments that I had previously and I’ve moved to a place that is two blocks from a pool (I love swimming, I could swim every day) AND I have signed up to take some dance classes. I hate conventional exercise, I am realizing. I mean, I like going for walks, but the leisurely pace at which I walk isn’t really enough to have a huge impact on my fitness or my weight. And I don’t like feeling like I have to go for a walk, I like walking when I want to get outside and enjoy myself. So here’s to new beginnings!
I think I am going to put photos up. I have been reluctant to do so because it’s embarrassing, but maybe it will keep me accountable. Not my face, just myself.
I have a lot of self-esteem issues. I have recently developed very strong feelings for a friend of mine and I’d like to pursue it – and I *think* he feels the same way – but I am realizing that the way I feel about myself is holding me back, because I feel like he could never possibly be attracted to someone who looks like me.
I do not want to lose weight for him, so that he would be attracted to me, but I feel this experience has taught me that I need to feel good about myself and love myself before I can let someone else love me. I think that having photos up will not only motivate me, but perhaps taking photographs and really forcing myself to look in the mirror all the time (something I generally avoid) will help me to appreciate who I am and love myself as I am, regardless of whether I fit into society’s idea of beautiful.
Cheers and happy losing!