Progress Update – as of November 22, 2015

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 308.2 lbs
Gain: 3.0 lbs
Current BMI: 48.3
Gain: 0.5
Bust: 49 in.
Loss: 2 in.
Waist: 56 in.
Loss: 1 in.
Hips: 54 in.
Gain: 1 in.

Today was one of the days that I was meant to post photos, but my camera is full and I can’t find the chord to download the photos onto my computer, so bear with me.

I’m up again. I’m not really surprised. This week has been tough, emotionally, and so when that happens, I tend to find that I pay less attention to my eating habits and that I indulge myself more than I should. I also didn’t exercise, as I was too tired and/or unmotivated most of the time. Frustrating.

I find it a little weird that my measurements are down, but I imagine that it’s just because it’s hard to measure oneself in exactly the same way every time, so it’s more likely my error than actual loss. It’s nice to see smaller numbers, but I’ll take it with a grain of salt.

I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow and I honestly cannot wait. The medication that I’m on has helped some, but I still find my mood fluctuating a lot. I think that some of that has to do with fatigue; I have been trying to get as much sleep as possible, but I find it difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep sometimes. When I’m tired, it just makes it so much harder to make the right decisions about eating and exercise and it makes everything seem so overwhelming.

I’ve recently discovered the concept of HIIT (high-intensity interval training) workouts. Sometimes, even though I know theoretically that I probably have enough time, it seems like it’s too much of a commitment to workout and so I don’t. (Being overwhelmed, again.) HIIT workouts are designed to be extremely short and very intense, so that you can get maximum impact in a short time. You can do them on a bike, a treadmill, a rowing machine, swimming or doing intense things like boxing, burpees etc. I’ve seen several versions, but most of them consist of X number of seconds of going as hard as you can (15 or 3o) then 3X seconds (45 or 90) of rest, where you continue doing the activity but you go at a much slower pace.

I tried it the other day on my rowing machine and I have to say, it felt pretty great. It was difficult, for sure, but it made me feel hopeful. You’re not supposed to do it every day, I think on the days you don’t do it you’re meant to just do some easy cardio, which is fine. We’ll see.

Life is a Highway

Life is a highway, I’m gonna ride it all night long…

The above quote is a song lyric from “Life is a Highway” by Tom Cochrane. I feel like that lately, not so much that life is a highway, but that it’s a rollercoaster.

My mood is so unpredictable these days, it’s really very frustrating. Some days I feel great, I feel hopefully, I feel happy. Other days I feel hopeless, that life isn’t worth living, that the future is bleak and I all want to do is lay in bed and cry. Those days are really hard.

I’m trying. I’m trying very hard to stay positive and keep my head above water, but when it’s so unpredictable it’s hard to keep that up day to day. I tend to be a planner, so just taking it day by day is really a difficult concept for me.

We’ll see. I’m hoping that I can make it work.

The Daily Grind

I think that I’m going to start blogging my often. I have generally only used this blog as a weigh-in blog, but I think that’s a mistake.

I am a very emotional, very sensitive person. Despite this, I feel very uncomfortable talking about my feelings much of the time. I feel like I am burdening other people when I do, which is probably why I have struggled with depression for so many years, because I never tell anyone how I am feeling.

Journaling has been recommended to me as a way to deal with anxiety and depression. Truth be told, I hate journaling. Ironically, when I write for myself, I prefer to do so with pen and paper, but with journaling I find physically writing it down to be so tedious. Not to mention that I am hideously disorganized and so I have about a dozen journals scattered around my house and not a clue where they are.

So this will become my journal. I think it’s more interesting anyway, it gives a better picture of my whole journey and me as a person, instead of just someone who weighs in every week.

So cheers friends, I’m looking forward to interacting more with you all.

Progress Update – as of November 15, 2015

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 305.2 lbs
Gain: 2.7 lbs
Current BMI: 47.8
Gain: 0.4

So, I’m up again this week. But it’s okay, I forgive myself, I had a rough week, personally.

I wrote my latest blog post in the wee hours of Saturday morning, when I was feeling particularly low. Honestly, since I wrote it, I feel much better, much more confident. I think writing it down helped, I had been holding it in for so long that it was driving me crazy. It’s still going to be a struggle, I’m sure, but I have some hope again. I can do this, I know I can.

I’ve decided to abandon the formal “What I Did/Didn’t Do Well This Week” format that I’d been doing previously. I think it’s easier for me to just write how I’m feeling, instead of trying to categorize things.

I did try to make healthy choices this week, but I ate out for lunch a lot. I just found it really hard, when I got home from work, to find the energy to make lunch, all I wanted to do was go to bed. Unfortunately, there are not a lot of healthy choices near my workplace. There are two restaurants, one of which is a diner and one of which is a pub, neither of which have many healthy choices. This week, I’m trying to change that.

I’ve been doing pretty well with snack choices though, eating lots of fruits and veggies and healthy fats (like nuts) throughout the day. I do need to drink more water though, I’m definitely falling short in that aspect. I think probably drinking more water (along with getting more sleep) is going to help me beat my chronic fatigue.

Exercise is key too. I just need to schedule appointments with myself to exercise. I need it for weight loss, obviously, but I really think that I need it for my mental health too. To stay focused and on track and to keep my head above water. Here’s to a good week!

Cheers, happy losing!

Staying Afloat

“What is depression like? It’s like drowning, except you can see everyone else around you breathing.” – Anonymous

Have any of you ever struggled with depression? Or feeling hopeless? I am really having a hard time right now.

I’m exhausted all the time, but I can’t sleep. I find it hard to fall asleep and I wake up in the middle of the night constantly and find it hard to get back to sleep. I want to exercise, but I can’t find the motivation. I used to enjoy my work, but now I find it hard to concentrate on my tasks and the days just drag. When I get home, all I want to do is go to bed. I’m not even living at my house right now. I’m having such terrible anxiety that I have been sleeping at my parents’ house, which gives me even more anxiety because it makes me feel like an idiot and the fact that I’m paying rent but I’m not living at my house stresses me out even more.

I am trying so hard to stay positive, but I’m feeling overwhelmed by life. It feels like I will be stuck being fat forever. I am trying not to think of this in pounds, but it’s hard to ignore the numbers on the scale or to not be overwhelmed by how far I have to go. I’m constantly on the verge of tears.

I have been taking medication for anxiety and depression but it doesn’t feel like it’s helping. I have an appointment with a counselor in two weeks, but I don’t know how I’m going to wait that long.

I just feel like I’m drowning and I’m barely keeping my head above water. I’m trying as hard as I can, but I admit that sometimes I just don’t want to get out of bed at all.

Progress Update – as of November 8, 2015

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 302.5 lbs
Gain: 4.1 lbs
Current BMI: 47.4
Gain: 0.7 lbs

So, we’re up this week. I’m not surprised. I tried really hard to track, but for whatever reason last week I ate out a lot. It’s very hard to make good choices at restaurants, it seems, so many dishes that you think wouldn’t be that bad, like sandwiches, can be super high in fat and calories. Unfortunate. I’m disappointed, but I’m not giving up.

To tell you the truth, I’m struggling. I really wanted to exercise this week, but I’m exhausted. I have been trying really hard for the past few weeks, but my depression is really getting to me. It’s so hard to get up in the morning and when I get home from work, I’m so exhausted that all I want to do is lie down. I know logically that exercise help with depression and will give me more energy, but it’s so hard to find the motivation to do it. Seeing the numbers go up on the scale makes me realize that I have to exercise to get where I want to go, but it’s also so discouraging.

I am trying really hard to eat more fruits and vegetables. I often am starving when I get home, so I’m hoping that snacking on fruits and veggies at work will help me to make good choices when I get home and take the time to prepare something healthy. I’ve also thought about investing in a slow cooker, but I’m worried about leaving it on while I’m at work. I know they’re designed to do that, but it makes me nervous. Does anyone have experience with a slow cooker? Let me know in the comments!

Cheers, happy losing!

Progress Update – as of November 1, 2015

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 298.4 lbs
Loss: 2.7
Current BMI: 46.7
Loss: 0.5

We are back on track, baby! I have gone back on Weight Watchers. I don’t love their system – I think they make fat and carbs out to be the enemy, when it’s really not that simple – BUT I feel like it’s the most flexible system for me. I tried counting calories, but I felt so restricted. I know that it is not realistic to expect me to never eat sugar or fast food or junk food for the rest of my life. Yes, I know that I should stay away from those foods in general – as should we all – but I need to lose weight in a way that I can enjoy those things from time to time, otherwise it’s just not going to work.

I thought I did very well this week. I did not exercise, as I got a terrible cold, but I tracked religiously and made good choices when possible. I got a lot of sleep too, which was great.

What I Did Well This Week:
1) Tracking, as I said. I was very careful to write down everything I ate and track the points for it. It really puts into perspective healthy choices and portion sizes. For example, a package of peanut M & Ms is more points than an entire can of tuna. I like both of them, but the M & Ms have zero nutritional payoff, whereas the tuna has lots of protein and healthy fats that will keep me full longer. Obviously, there will be times when I pick the M & Ms and that’s okay, but it makes you think about what kind of choices I make throughout the day.

What I Can Improve On:
1) Exercise. Obviously, because I was sick I wasn’t exercising but I had kind of fallen off the wagon over the last three weeks and I’d like to get back into a routine.
2) Sleep! I got sleep this week because of illness, but obviously that’s an anomaly. I need to make more of an effort to go to bed earlier and get a better, more consistent rest.

How I Feel:
I am feeling relatively positive about this, but I’ve had a lot of trouble with my anxiety this week, I don’t really know why. It’s really frustrating, it makes it hard to be motivated to do anything. I am trying though, one day at a time!

Cheers, happy losing!