Progress Update – as of February 20 and 27, 2016

Height: 5’7″

February 20, 2016
Current Weight: 315.3 lbs
Gain: 2.3 lbs
Current BMI: 49.4
Gain: 0.4

February 27, 2016
Current Weight: 312.6 lbs
Loss: 2.7 lbs
Current BMI: 49.0
Loss: 0.4

Hurray, we’re down again! The past few weeks have been very difficult, emotionally, and the last thing that I’ve wanted to do is work out or eat healthy. I have tried very hard to make good choices as often as possible, but I find that cooking and preparing meals are the first things to go when I’m sad, so I’ve been eating out a lot lately, much more than I should.

One thing that has changed is exercise. I’m still not exercising as much as I probably should be, but I have been going for walks during my lunch hour at work (usually 30 minute walks), and I go down with my coworker every two hours to move her car, so we take the stairs on this little trips instead of the elevator. I’ve also started wearing a pedometer, which I think has made me aware of how little I move during an average day ad how much more I need to be active.

The weather is also helping, it’s been absolutely GORGEOUS where I live. Spring is coming and being outside in the fresh air for those little walks has really made me feel a lot happier. I think I’m going to try to walk outside as often as possible. I need to engage in more intense exercise than walking in order to see real weight loss, I know, but being outside in the fresh air and sunshine makes me feel great and, at the end of the day, going for a walk, even if it’s not intense, is still better than sitting in my office chair all day and on the couch all night.

Cheers, happy losing!

Progress Update – as of February 6 and 13, 2016

Height: 5’7″

February 6, 2016
Current Weight: 311.8 lbs
Gain: 1.2 lbs
Current BMI: 48.8
Gain: 0.2
Bust: 52 inches
Waist: 57.5 inches (+ 1.5 inches)
Hips: 56 inches

February 13, 2016
Current Weight: 313.0 lbs
Gain: 1.2 lbs
Current BMI: 49.0
Gain: 0.2

So, I’m up again. I’m not surprised, this week I was so incredibly busy, I feel like I didn’t have a second to myself. I had commitments every single night, several of which included dinners. I didn’t really cook at all this week, I bought my lunch a lot because I got home so late every night, so it’s completely my fault. Oh well.

I supposedly added 1.5 inches to my waist, but I’m not entirely sure if I believe my measurements, I find it’s very difficult to hold the actual measuring tape the same way every time, so for that small a different, I’m not worried.

I had a good and bad week this week. I was still feeling pretty lost and down in the dumps, but a friend of mine did a tarot card reading for me on Monday. I don’t really believe in any of that stuff, but it was still kind of fun. She has been through depression too and she keeps trying to remind me, whenever I’m feeling down, to banish the negative self-talk. It’s something that I’ve done for years, so it’s very difficult to do, but I am trying.

I also had a really wonderful talk with a friend of mine. He got angry with me the other day for being so negative about myself, so he asked me to come over so we could talk about it, which was so nice. He wanted me to know that he was there for me and that I’m not alone and that just because this one man rejected me doesn’t mean that I have nothing to offer or that I am not worthy of love. It seems obvious, but sometimes it’s really hard to believe that I am a person of worth.

I’m not going to list my goals on here anymore, I think I was putting too much pressure on myself to change too many things at once. I mentioned this in my last post, but I’m a very “all for nothing” kind of person and I find it really hard to forgive myself when I make mistakes. So I’m just going for the simple approach this week and doing my best to live a healthy lifestyle: drinking water, eating as healthy as I can, trying to get in 10,000 steps a day and trying to get lots of sleep. And, most importantly, learning to forgive myself!

Cheers, happy losing!

 

Goal Setting – or – How to Fail at It

So. As you may have noticed, I have not yet updated my progress for this week. Partly because this week seems to be crazy with work and my real life, so I feel like I haven’t had a second to do so. But I wanted to reflect.

I am a planner. I am one of those people who just LOVES to plan. I love lists, I love getting organized. But when it comes to exercise and getting fit, I have never been able to be a doer. I don’t consider myself a lazy person by any means, but for some reason, eating right and getting exercise is the one area of my life where I can’t seem to light a fire under my butt.

I have been pondering, lately, why that is. Since I’ve had such an emotional last few months, I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection, trying to figure out who I am and what I want and where I should go from here. I realized, upon reflection, how utterly terrified I am.

Most people who know me would consider me to be outgoing, loud and spontaneous. That, however, is only because they know me well, so I allow myself to be my true self around them. People who went to school with me would describe me as shy, reserved and quiet, adjectives which I don’t think describe me at all. But they do. Because I am afraid. I am afraid of being wrong. I am afraid of being judged. I am afraid of being thought of as stupid or ignorant or unlikable, so I keep my mouth shut and I don’t take risks.

I can’t pinpoint exactly why I’m afraid to lose weight. I really DO want to, but something has held me back in a way that it hasn’t in other areas of my life. Maybe I’m afraid I’ll fail? Maybe it’s easier to just give up? I’m not sure yet. I’m investigating, I’ve been doing a lot of journaling lately.

I think a lot of it is that I am feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with life and the demands of the people around me. Overwhelmed at my job. Overwhelmed with the prospect of going back to school and the financial burden I am taking on because of that. Overwhelmed with the amount of information constantly being thrown my way regarding weight loss and health: “Eat this! It’s the best thing ever!” “Just kidding, it’s the worst! Eat this instead!”

I have been looking up a lot of workouts and trying to figure out which ones I want to do, but I haven’t done ANY of them because I honestly don’t know where to start. Everybody thinks that their workout is “the best” and trying to incorporate ALL of them into my life has just stressed me out. So I think I’m going back to basics: basic weights, basic cardio. There are so many incredible workouts that I’d like to try, but for now, I’ll just start at the bottom and work my way up.

I’m also going to cut back on my goal-setting. I thought that one new goal a week wouldn’t overwhelm me, but it has, and I’ve fallen way behind. One step at a time.

Just keep swimming.

 

Progress Update – as of January 30, 2016

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 310.6 lbs
Gain: 2.4 lbs
Current BMI: 48.6
Gain: 0.3

Sigh. I’m up again. Oh well. This week I ate out a lot, I think that’s why. I did try to make good choices, but when you eat out you usually vastly underestimate how many calories you’re consuming.

Emotionally, I’m doing okay, but it’s hard. It comes and goes and it probably will be that way for a long time, to be honest. I’m a very emotional, “heart on your sleeve” kind of person and I get very emotionally invested in the people and things that I care about. I also don’t deal very well with change.

I have a friend who has been incredible to me over the last couple of weeks, just listening and helping me sort out my feelings. She suggested to me that I get assessed for OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). People with OCD are usually portrayed in the media as germaphobes who are obsessed with order and cleanliness. Not true. It IS true that people with OCD can have compulsions such as washing their hands multiple times, but OCD is primarily an anxiety disorder which manifests itself in obsessive negative thoughts and chronic anxiety about disastrous things happen. Compulsions (such as hand washing, turning the light switch on and off multiple times) occur because they make those with OCD feel safe, they calm the anxious thoughts.

One of the symptoms of OCD is called “hyper-responsibility”, where you worry about your friends and family’s happiness to the point that it’s detrimental to your own. I always thought it was just my anxiety, but knowing that it could possibly be more than that is interesting. We will see how I go.

I realized that I totally forgot to post the update of my goals last week, so here goes:

Weekly Goal #1: Get 150 minutes of exercise a week. Update: Haven’t done this, not even close. However, it’s been absolutely beautiful out where I live, so I thought that I would go for a walk at lunch. Hopefully that will also help lighten my mood.
Weekly Goal #2: Eat breakfast every morning. Update: I’ve done really well with this so far, actually. Most mornings I have at least had a smoothie, so yay for me!
Weekly Goal #3: Daily dry brushing (twice daily). If you don’t know what dry brushing is, it’s using a dry body brush on your body to exfoliate your skin. It’s supposed to stimulate circulation, stimulate the lymphatic system, reduce cellulite and eliminate toxins. I don’t really believe that any of that is true, but it feels nice and it makes my skin really soft. Update: I haven’t done it twice daily, but I’ve done it most days. It hasn’t done anything for my cellulite and I doubt that it will, but exfoliating is good, so who cares?
Weekly Goal #4: Drink 2L of water very day. Update: Well, I don’t think I ever drank 2L and I didn’t do it every day, but I did drink more water than normal this week and I tried to choose water over other choices.

Weekly Goal #5: Get 8 hours of sleep a night. We will see how I do!

Cheers, happy losing!