Progress Update – as of March 5, 2016

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 314.6 lbs
Gain: 2.0 lbs
Current BMI: 49.3
Gain: 0.3
Bust: 53 inches
Gain: 1.0 inches
Waist: 56 inches
Loss: 1.5 inches
Hips: 56 inches

I feel like I’m living on a roller coaster, emotionally and physically. I’m up in pounds, but down in measurements, apparently. Although I generally take the measurements with a grain of salt, since I can never be sure if I’m measuring in the exact same spot every single time.

I am feeling really depressed and I can’t seem to snap out of it. I think I know why, though. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Here we go…

When I was 20, I was sexually assaulted at a party by someone that I knew, someone that I thought was my friend. It wasn’t rape, but there are other things you can do to someone. I was so shocked and scared that I didn’t know what to do, so as soon as he was done I just left the party and got in my car and cried.

I never told anyone. Not for 6 whole years. I pretended like it never happened. I blamed myself. “I shouldn’t have been alone with him. I should have been more clear that I didn’t want it. I should…I should…I should…” So many excuses. I made excuses for him: he didn’t know what he was doing, he must have thought I wanted it, he was really drunk. But it was not my fault. I did nothing to make him believe that I wanted his sexual attention and being drunk is not an excuse to take advantage of someone, especially when that person is clearly trying to get away from you.

I saw him, for the first time in 6 years, last August. I had succeeded in putting it out of my brain, for the most part (although my relationships with men have always been awful, which should have been a clue) but when I saw him, it all came flooding back. I started having nightmares and crying all the time and I think now I’m realizing that most of my weirdness has to do with the fact that I’ve never properly dealt with it.

Being assaulted made my body my enemy. I was overweight before this happened, but between then and now, I have gained 100 lbs. I have never let a man touch me since then. And I grew to hate my body, which is so incredibly sad.

This whole process has made me realize why I am the way I am and how I could get to this weight. I take responsibility for where I am, physically, I know that nobody forced me to eat the way I have, but there is a reason why I did and I think that I probably cannot get into a healthy mindset permanently until I deal with underlying issues.

The moral of the story? Talk about stuff. Don’t hold things inside. Get help.

Cheers, happy losing!

 

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4 thoughts on “Progress Update – as of March 5, 2016

  1. Your moral is spot on. No matter what, you’ve got this and will continue to have this. One thing I’ve learned over the last few months is that being hard on yourself is a great way to sabotage yourself. You’re doing great and I can’t wait to see what greatness is in your future!

  2. I’m sorry about what happened to you. *hugs* I know you will get over this pain in your life. You are right about talking about stuff. Sometimes things add up and if we don’t talk about them it leaves to an unhealthy lifestyle. I’m praying for you hon.

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