Time’s Fun When You’re Having Flies

Happy Birthday to PFG, happy birthday to PFG, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to PFG!

WordPress has kindly informed me that today marks two years since I started my blog. That’s both good and bad. Good because I’m still keeping up with it, it isn’t collecting dust like so many other projects in my life. Bad because, even though I’ve been doing this sort of regularly for two years, I haven’t made any actual progress.

Hands up, who here is an emotional eater? Me me me me me.

I love food. Who doesn’t? But food, to me, has always been more than just nourishment, more than just something yummy. It’s been a friend. A comfort. A soothing ointment for my wounds. Some people turn to drugs or alcohol to dull the pain of their lives, to fill the holes, to make them forget their misery; I used food. It’s easy to get, much easier for a young bullied kid to get than alcohol or drugs. It’s not suspicious. It’s not illegal. It’s much cheaper. And it’s everywhere, we are bombarded with it.

After he stops drinking, an alcoholic never has to go into a liquor store again. A ex-smoker doesn’t have to see cigarettes. A recovering drug addict can’t walk into a convenience store and buy cocaine or heroin or methamphetamines. But my drug is everywhere.

I can’t watch television without seeing advertisements for it. I can’t drive through town without seeing flashing signs trying to lure me. I can’t buy groceries without being bombarded with cookies, chips, ice cream and every sort of junk food imaginable. I’ve heard lots of people say “Just put down the fork” or equally rude things, but what they don’t understand is that food is something you can never escape from. I believe, wholeheartedly, that food addiction is a real addiction. Recovering addicts never have to smoke or drink or do drugs again. But I have to eat to stay alive, I have to go to grocery stores. I can never get away.

I ate a lot as an unhappy teenager because food never judged. It was always there, it made me happy and┬ánever betrayed me or made me feel embarrassed. I have found myself craving very bad things lately, trying to deal with depression and anxiety and I haven’t been eating as well as I should have. But I’m trying, that’s what matters.

Progress Update – as of November 29, 2015

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 301.2 lbs
Loss: 7.0 lbs
Current BMI: 47.2
Loss: 1.1

So, we’re down again! However, this wasn’t really my doing. I got very, very sick this week (tonsillitis!) and I didn’t eat anything but chicken noodle soup for almost 5 days. So, while it’s nice to see the loss, I know that it’s mostly just water.

Obviously, I didn’t work out while I was ill, but now that I am (mostly) better I am hoping to rectify that very soon, because I just moved again and there is an excellent recreation centre very close to my house with very reasonable monthly rates.

While my anxiety and depression is still bothering me, I have made a decision to move out of my apartment and back home with my family. I think that I’ll be able to deal with my struggles in a better way, because when I’m home I’m happy.

It makes me feel like a bit of a loser though, if I’m being honest. I only know a couple of people my age who still live with their parents. I know that it’s really not a big deal, I’m only 26 and it’s not like my mom makes my lunch and does my laundry or whatever, but it still makes me feel like I’m failing as an adult, in a way. BUT, I went to my therapy appointment last week and she tried to help me realize that just because it’s uncommon in North American culture, it doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. It works for me and my family, so it doesn’t matter that it’s a bit unconventional. My parents have an enormous house (we live in the country) so it’s not like we’re all on top of each other, and they trust me enough to let me do my own thing. I have my own money and my own car, so if I come home at 2:00 am it’s not like they’re texting me all night, demanding that I come home. I have security and freedom.

I’m also planning to go back to school in September 2016. Tuition is very expensive these days, and not having to pay rent takes a load off. I do still pay for groceries and utilities and car insurance and all of that, of course, but not paying rent saves me a few hundred dollars a month.

I am trying not to feel stupid or embarrassed about it. I’m struggling with mental illness right now and having the safety of my family is going to help me. I just wish that people didn’t stigmatize it so much, I’m afraid of what my friends will think.

Anyway, cheers, stay well!

Life is a Highway

Life is a highway, I’m gonna ride it all night long…

The above quote is a song lyric from “Life is a Highway” by Tom Cochrane. I feel like that lately, not so much that life is a highway, but that it’s a rollercoaster.

My mood is so unpredictable these days, it’s really very frustrating. Some days I feel great, I feel hopefully, I feel happy. Other days I feel hopeless, that life isn’t worth living, that the future is bleak and I all want to do is lay in bed and cry. Those days are really hard.

I’m trying. I’m trying very hard to stay positive and keep my head above water, but when it’s so unpredictable it’s hard to keep that up day to day. I tend to be a planner, so just taking it day by day is really a difficult concept for me.

We’ll see. I’m hoping that I can make it work.

The Daily Grind

I think that I’m going to start blogging my often. I have generally only used this blog as a weigh-in blog, but I think that’s a mistake.

I am a very emotional, very sensitive person. Despite this, I feel very uncomfortable talking about my feelings much of the time. I feel like I am burdening other people when I do, which is probably why I have struggled with depression for so many years, because I never tell anyone how I am feeling.

Journaling has been recommended to me as a way to deal with anxiety and depression. Truth be told, I hate journaling. Ironically, when I write for myself, I prefer to do so with pen and paper, but with journaling I find physically writing it down to be so tedious. Not to mention that I am hideously disorganized and so I have about a dozen journals scattered around my house and not a clue where they are.

So this will become my journal. I think it’s more interesting anyway, it gives a better picture of my whole journey and me as a person, instead of just someone who weighs in every week.

So cheers friends, I’m looking forward to interacting more with you all.

Staying Afloat

“What is depression like? It’s like drowning, except you can see everyone else around you breathing.” – Anonymous

Have any of you ever struggled with depression? Or feeling hopeless? I am really having a hard time right now.

I’m exhausted all the time, but I can’t sleep. I find it hard to fall asleep and I wake up in the middle of the night constantly and find it hard to get back to sleep. I want to exercise, but I can’t find the motivation. I used to enjoy my work, but now I find it hard to concentrate on my tasks and the days just drag. When I get home, all I want to do is go to bed. I’m not even living at my house right now. I’m having such terrible anxiety that I have been sleeping at my parents’ house, which gives me even more anxiety because it makes me feel like an idiot and the fact that I’m paying rent but I’m not living at my house stresses me out even more.

I am trying so hard to stay positive, but I’m feeling overwhelmed by life. It feels like I will be stuck being fat forever. I am trying not to think of this in pounds, but it’s hard to ignore the numbers on the scale or to not be overwhelmed by how far I have to go. I’m constantly on the verge of tears.

I have been taking medication for anxiety and depression but it doesn’t feel like it’s helping. I have an appointment with a counselor in two weeks, but I don’t know how I’m going to wait that long.

I just feel like I’m drowning and I’m barely keeping my head above water. I’m trying as hard as I can, but I admit that sometimes I just don’t want to get out of bed at all.