Progress Update – as of June 4, 2016

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 309.4 lbs
Loss: 7.3 lbs
Current BMI: 48.5
Loss: 1.1

Bust: 52 inches
Waist: 57 inches
Loss: 1 inch
Hips: 55 inches
Loss: 1 inch

Wahoo! That is what I’m talking about. We are TEN POUNDS AWAY from the 200s people! TEN POUNDS! I don’t really look any different (yet) but who cares? That’s an accomplishment!

So, I did something the other day that I’ve been meaning to do for a long time: I renewed my gym membership! The “gym” that I’m referring to is a little different because it’s not actually a gym, it’s a recreation centre in my hometown. There are weight machines, treadmills, rowing machines, bikes, free weights, a track, a swimming pool, a skating rink, ellipticals and stair steppers, plus other equipment like resistance bands, foam rollers etc. What’s also nice about it is that this rec centre has an agreement with the other ones in the area, meaning that I can go hiking, cross-country skiing, swimming (at a different pool), ice skating or that I can utilize other gyms in the area, should I choose.

I don’t really know what I’m doing on the weight machines and I am intimidated by the other people there. However, I got one of the personal trainers who works/supervises there to give me a little tutorial of the gym and what the machines do, so I feel more comfortable. I am intimidated because everybody who was there when I was there was SO FIT. Huge muscles, people who obviously work out all the time. I just feel like a big fat slob next to those people. I know I shouldn’t, I know that I should be proud of myself for trying to better my life and that, truthfully, they’re likely not even paying attention to me at all, but I can’t help feel like they’re sitting there, laughing at that fat girl in the corner who doesn’t know what she’s doing.

But WHO CARES. I’m trying to think that way. I’m at the gym for me, to get healthy and change my life, so I really shouldn’t care.

Cheers, happy losing!

Progress Update – as of March 12, 2016

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 312.1 lbs
Loss: 2.5 lbs
Current BMI: 48.9
Loss: 0.4

Yay, we’re down again! Truthfully, I think this is likely because I was sick and not through much effort on my part, but hey, it’s all good.

I have some VERY exciting news to share! I recently went for my annual physical (although it’s not quite annual since I haven’t had one since 2014) and my doctor expressed concern that my weight had gone up since she last saw me. Since I have a chronic disease called poly-cystic ovary syndrome (PCOS for short) and it can become worse with weight gain (as well as cause weight gain and make it difficult to lose weight, hurray!) she wanted to address it.

She put me on a program through my healthcare system that pairs me up with a nurse who specializes in weight management. When I met with this nurse, Julie, the next week, she explained it to me. Basically, it’s a program that’s designed to be completed in six months. In those six months, I will attend sessions about things like emotional eating, nutrition, managing cravings, how to cut down on sugar etc. AND I will also be assigned a trainer who I will meet with once a week for 12 weeks to develop an exercise regimen. And, best of all, it’s FREE. (Thank you Canadian healthcare!)

I’m so excited. I had been toying with the idea of getting a trainer for a long time but I balked at the cost. I had no idea this program even existed, so the idea that I can get such incredible, professional support and help for free is just amazing to me.

I feel like I’ve fallen off track, spiritually. I was bogged down by anxiety and depression and I worried too much about what other people think about me, I invested so many time and energy into their emotions and feelings that I left nothing for myself, so I was unhappy and very drained. But I’ve decided, it’s time for ME. I’m young, I have no dependents, so now is the best time for me to reconnect with myself and focus on my own needs. I have enrolled in yoga, meditation and knitting classes, I’m planning a trip to Asia in May and now I’m starting this new weight loss program and I am unbelievably excited! 2016 is shaping up to be pretty wonderful!

Cheers, happy losing!

Progress Update – as of March 5, 2016

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 314.6 lbs
Gain: 2.0 lbs
Current BMI: 49.3
Gain: 0.3
Bust: 53 inches
Gain: 1.0 inches
Waist: 56 inches
Loss: 1.5 inches
Hips: 56 inches

I feel like I’m living on a roller coaster, emotionally and physically. I’m up in pounds, but down in measurements, apparently. Although I generally take the measurements with a grain of salt, since I can never be sure if I’m measuring in the exact same spot every single time.

I am feeling really depressed and I can’t seem to snap out of it. I think I know why, though. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Here we go…

When I was 20, I was sexually assaulted at a party by someone that I knew, someone that I thought was my friend. It wasn’t rape, but there are other things you can do to someone. I was so shocked and scared that I didn’t know what to do, so as soon as he was done I just left the party and got in my car and cried.

I never told anyone. Not for 6 whole years. I pretended like it never happened. I blamed myself. “I shouldn’t have been alone with him. I should have been more clear that I didn’t want it. I should…I should…I should…” So many excuses. I made excuses for him: he didn’t know what he was doing, he must have thought I wanted it, he was really drunk. But it was not my fault. I did nothing to make him believe that I wanted his sexual attention and being drunk is not an excuse to take advantage of someone, especially when that person is clearly trying to get away from you.

I saw him, for the first time in 6 years, last August. I had succeeded in putting it out of my brain, for the most part (although my relationships with men have always been awful, which should have been a clue) but when I saw him, it all came flooding back. I started having nightmares and crying all the time and I think now I’m realizing that most of my weirdness has to do with the fact that I’ve never properly dealt with it.

Being assaulted made my body my enemy. I was overweight before this happened, but between then and now, I have gained 100 lbs. I have never let a man touch me since then. And I grew to hate my body, which is so incredibly sad.

This whole process has made me realize why I am the way I am and how I could get to this weight. I take responsibility for where I am, physically, I know that nobody forced me to eat the way I have, but there is a reason why I did and I think that I probably cannot get into a healthy mindset permanently until I deal with underlying issues.

The moral of the story? Talk about stuff. Don’t hold things inside. Get help.

Cheers, happy losing!


Progress Update – as of February 20 and 27, 2016

Height: 5’7″

February 20, 2016
Current Weight: 315.3 lbs
Gain: 2.3 lbs
Current BMI: 49.4
Gain: 0.4

February 27, 2016
Current Weight: 312.6 lbs
Loss: 2.7 lbs
Current BMI: 49.0
Loss: 0.4

Hurray, we’re down again! The past few weeks have been very difficult, emotionally, and the last thing that I’ve wanted to do is work out or eat healthy. I have tried very hard to make good choices as often as possible, but I find that cooking and preparing meals are the first things to go when I’m sad, so I’ve been eating out a lot lately, much more than I should.

One thing that has changed is exercise. I’m still not exercising as much as I probably should be, but I have been going for walks during my lunch hour at work (usually 30 minute walks), and I go down with my coworker every two hours to move her car, so we take the stairs on this little trips instead of the elevator. I’ve also started wearing a pedometer, which I think has made me aware of how little I move during an average day ad how much more I need to be active.

The weather is also helping, it’s been absolutely GORGEOUS where I live. Spring is coming and being outside in the fresh air for those little walks has really made me feel a lot happier. I think I’m going to try to walk outside as often as possible. I need to engage in more intense exercise than walking in order to see real weight loss, I know, but being outside in the fresh air and sunshine makes me feel great and, at the end of the day, going for a walk, even if it’s not intense, is still better than sitting in my office chair all day and on the couch all night.

Cheers, happy losing!

Time’s Fun When You’re Having Flies

Happy Birthday to PFG, happy birthday to PFG, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to PFG!

WordPress has kindly informed me that today marks two years since I started my blog. That’s both good and bad. Good because I’m still keeping up with it, it isn’t collecting dust like so many other projects in my life. Bad because, even though I’ve been doing this sort of regularly for two years, I haven’t made any actual progress.

Hands up, who here is an emotional eater? Me me me me me.

I love food. Who doesn’t? But food, to me, has always been more than just nourishment, more than just something yummy. It’s been a friend. A comfort. A soothing ointment for my wounds. Some people turn to drugs or alcohol to dull the pain of their lives, to fill the holes, to make them forget their misery; I used food. It’s easy to get, much easier for a young bullied kid to get than alcohol or drugs. It’s not suspicious. It’s not illegal. It’s much cheaper. And it’s everywhere, we are bombarded with it.

After he stops drinking, an alcoholic never has to go into a liquor store again. A ex-smoker doesn’t have to see cigarettes. A recovering drug addict can’t walk into a convenience store and buy cocaine or heroin or methamphetamines. But my drug is everywhere.

I can’t watch television without seeing advertisements for it. I can’t drive through town without seeing flashing signs trying to lure me. I can’t buy groceries without being bombarded with cookies, chips, ice cream and every sort of junk food imaginable. I’ve heard lots of people say “Just put down the fork” or equally rude things, but what they don’t understand is that food is something you can never escape from. I believe, wholeheartedly, that food addiction is a real addiction. Recovering addicts never have to smoke or drink or do drugs again. But I have to eat to stay alive, I have to go to grocery stores. I can never get away.

I ate a lot as an unhappy teenager because food never judged. It was always there, it made me happy and never betrayed me or made me feel embarrassed. I have found myself craving very bad things lately, trying to deal with depression and anxiety and I haven’t been eating as well as I should have. But I’m trying, that’s what matters.

Progress Update – as of November 15, 2015

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 305.2 lbs
Gain: 2.7 lbs
Current BMI: 47.8
Gain: 0.4

So, I’m up again this week. But it’s okay, I forgive myself, I had a rough week, personally.

I wrote my latest blog post in the wee hours of Saturday morning, when I was feeling particularly low. Honestly, since I wrote it, I feel much better, much more confident. I think writing it down helped, I had been holding it in for so long that it was driving me crazy. It’s still going to be a struggle, I’m sure, but I have some hope again. I can do this, I know I can.

I’ve decided to abandon the formal “What I Did/Didn’t Do Well This Week” format that I’d been doing previously. I think it’s easier for me to just write how I’m feeling, instead of trying to categorize things.

I did try to make healthy choices this week, but I ate out for lunch a lot. I just found it really hard, when I got home from work, to find the energy to make lunch, all I wanted to do was go to bed. Unfortunately, there are not a lot of healthy choices near my workplace. There are two restaurants, one of which is a diner and one of which is a pub, neither of which have many healthy choices. This week, I’m trying to change that.

I’ve been doing pretty well with snack choices though, eating lots of fruits and veggies and healthy fats (like nuts) throughout the day. I do need to drink more water though, I’m definitely falling short in that aspect. I think probably drinking more water (along with getting more sleep) is going to help me beat my chronic fatigue.

Exercise is key too. I just need to schedule appointments with myself to exercise. I need it for weight loss, obviously, but I really think that I need it for my mental health too. To stay focused and on track and to keep my head above water. Here’s to a good week!

Cheers, happy losing!

Progress Update – as of November 8, 2015

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 302.5 lbs
Gain: 4.1 lbs
Current BMI: 47.4
Gain: 0.7 lbs

So, we’re up this week. I’m not surprised. I tried really hard to track, but for whatever reason last week I ate out a lot. It’s very hard to make good choices at restaurants, it seems, so many dishes that you think wouldn’t be that bad, like sandwiches, can be super high in fat and calories. Unfortunate. I’m disappointed, but I’m not giving up.

To tell you the truth, I’m struggling. I really wanted to exercise this week, but I’m exhausted. I have been trying really hard for the past few weeks, but my depression is really getting to me. It’s so hard to get up in the morning and when I get home from work, I’m so exhausted that all I want to do is lie down. I know logically that exercise help with depression and will give me more energy, but it’s so hard to find the motivation to do it. Seeing the numbers go up on the scale makes me realize that I have to exercise to get where I want to go, but it’s also so discouraging.

I am trying really hard to eat more fruits and vegetables. I often am starving when I get home, so I’m hoping that snacking on fruits and veggies at work will help me to make good choices when I get home and take the time to prepare something healthy. I’ve also thought about investing in a slow cooker, but I’m worried about leaving it on while I’m at work. I know they’re designed to do that, but it makes me nervous. Does anyone have experience with a slow cooker? Let me know in the comments!

Cheers, happy losing!

Progress Update – as of November 1, 2015

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 298.4 lbs
Loss: 2.7
Current BMI: 46.7
Loss: 0.5

We are back on track, baby! I have gone back on Weight Watchers. I don’t love their system – I think they make fat and carbs out to be the enemy, when it’s really not that simple – BUT I feel like it’s the most flexible system for me. I tried counting calories, but I felt so restricted. I know that it is not realistic to expect me to never eat sugar or fast food or junk food for the rest of my life. Yes, I know that I should stay away from those foods in general – as should we all – but I need to lose weight in a way that I can enjoy those things from time to time, otherwise it’s just not going to work.

I thought I did very well this week. I did not exercise, as I got a terrible cold, but I tracked religiously and made good choices when possible. I got a lot of sleep too, which was great.

What I Did Well This Week:
1) Tracking, as I said. I was very careful to write down everything I ate and track the points for it. It really puts into perspective healthy choices and portion sizes. For example, a package of peanut M & Ms is more points than an entire can of tuna. I like both of them, but the M & Ms have zero nutritional payoff, whereas the tuna has lots of protein and healthy fats that will keep me full longer. Obviously, there will be times when I pick the M & Ms and that’s okay, but it makes you think about what kind of choices I make throughout the day.

What I Can Improve On:
1) Exercise. Obviously, because I was sick I wasn’t exercising but I had kind of fallen off the wagon over the last three weeks and I’d like to get back into a routine.
2) Sleep! I got sleep this week because of illness, but obviously that’s an anomaly. I need to make more of an effort to go to bed earlier and get a better, more consistent rest.

How I Feel:
I am feeling relatively positive about this, but I’ve had a lot of trouble with my anxiety this week, I don’t really know why. It’s really frustrating, it makes it hard to be motivated to do anything. I am trying though, one day at a time!

Cheers, happy losing!

Progress Update – as of July 6, 2015

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 302.6 lbs
Gain: 0.8 lbs
Current BMI: 47.4
Gain: 0.1
Bust: 51 inches
Waist: 57 inches
Hips: 56 inches

So I gained a little this week. Oh well. I kind of expected it, simply because I have been losing consistently for the past 3 or so weeks. I’m not concerned, 0.8 is nothing in the grand scheme of things. And, because I weighed myself on Monday evening, not morning like I usually do, it could honestly be as simple as water weight.

I feel like I look slimmer. I know that losing 14 or whatever lbs I have lost in the past 3 weeks won’t make a difference in how I look like it would if I weighed 120 lbs BUT I feel slimmer. It seems to me like my pants are a little looser. I haven’t seen a huge difference on the scale this week, it’s true, but I’ve been working out consistently (at least 30 minutes a day) and really trying hard to eat well and I feel like it’s making a difference, even if the scale doesn’t necessarily reflect that.

What I Did Well This Week:
1) Workouts! I have been working out every single day for at least 30 minutes (sometimes more) and I find that I’m almost addicted. There have definitely been days when I think “No, I’m too tired, I don’t want to” but I put my clothes on and my shoes on anyway, because I know that after I do, I will feel better. I used to walk on the treadmill all the time, but mine is getting really old and the belt needs replacing so I figured, heck, it’s summer, I’ll walk outside. It’s too hot here to walk during the day normally (I personally overheat very easily and I get terrible headaches) but in the evenings it’s absolutely gorgeous, so I have really been enjoying getting outside and walking.

I’ve also noticed that I’m getting a lot fitter and stronger. It’s only been three weeks, so I’m not ready to run a marathon anytime soon, but I have noticed that things like squats and lunges and pushups are getting a lot easier. They still do burn, but I can do a lot more of them (and with better form) because I start to really feel the burn. I’ve been doing some of those 30 Day Challenges (find them online here). I combined the crunches, lunges, squats and pushups ones, because I feel like those exercises are easy to do anywhere and then I have no excuses. I’m about halfway through the 30 days and let me tell you, I am getting better. Today, I did 150 squats. The first day, it killed me to do just 25. I can’t do all 150 at once, I have to break them up, but it still feels pretty awesome that I can do 50 squats with good form in a row without heaving like a winded rhinoceros.

What I Can Improve On:
1) I have been eating pretty well BUT there is definitely room for improvement. I find that I am often starving when I get home from work, so sometimes I find myself snacking absentmindedly on whatever is in the cupboard while I get supper ready. I really need to either have a snack at work before I leave or on the drive home, or I need to have some snacks (like veggies) ready to go while I am cooking so that I’m not chowing down on whatever. I don’t have a lot of that stuff in the house anyway for that reason, but it’s still a bit of a problem so I’ll have to work harder.

2) Sleep! I never get enough sleep. It seems like I leave my workouts until late in the evening, so by the time I’ve finished and showered and am in bed, it’s midnight. I get up at 6:00 am to get ready for work. When I was a young university student, I could get by on 4 hours sleep but now I am finding that I really, really drag during the afternoons. I need to make sleep more of a priority. This, of course, is the reason for my horrible espresso addiction. I have since broken that, but BOY some days it is damn hard not to trek down to Starbucks and get a triple-shot latte, let me tell you. I think exercising has given me a bit more energy, but I am still severely sleep-deprived so I’m working on that.

How I Feel: 
Pretty freaking great, to be honest. It’s still somewhat discouraging to look in the mirror and think “HOW am I still fat?!” because I feel like I’ve been working out enough to shed about 50 lbs by now. But, every time I think that, I have to remember that I am literally changing my life. I am taking small steps and making positive changes so that I never go down this path again, so that I can “retrain” my brain to adapt to a new way of life. As much as we want to see results immediately, dropping weight at a rapid pace is a) unhealthy and b) unrealistic to maintain, so I’m grateful that at a place where I am going slowly enough that I know that I can maintain this healthier lifestyle forever.

Cheers folks, happy losing!

Update – I’m Baaaaaack!

Hello friends,

Apologies for the long hiatus. I’ve just had a crazy few months and finally (FINALLY!) I get a break. I’m still working full-time, but I’ve taken a break from extra-curriculars over the summer, so I’m not rushing around after work trying to do a million different things. I’m one of those people who loves being busy, but I often find that I bite off more than I can chew and I get burned out, which is what happened over the last little while. A break is most welcome.

I wasn’t really doing that well with food and exercise, to be honest. In early June, I really got on a good track, but then I donated blood. I was approved to donate, but I must have just barely met the criteria because I felt dizzy for two weeks afterward. I didn’t go to the doctor, like a moron, and it appears to have resolved itself, but I could barely walk down the street, let alone workout, so that kind of flew out the window.

However, I am happy to say that over the past two weeks, since I’ve been feeling normal, I have really overhauled my life. And I don’t just mean exercise. I made a series of decisions lately which essentially mean that I’ve scrapped my entire career path and I will be starting from scratch, going back to school next year. It’s a little scary to be starting over, but I was pretty miserable in my previous career path and, for some reason, a couple of months ago it just clicked that DUH, I should change something. So I’m working in a field right now that is totally unrelated to my first degree and I’ll be returning – as I said – to school in September 2016.

ANYWAY, this change has led to some other positive changes: I chopped my hair off (it’s not a pixie cut, but it’s pretty short, certainly the shortest I’ve ever had it in my life – but I LOVE it), I have eliminated coffee from my diet (I literally would have 2-3 shots of espresso in my latte every morning, bad idea!), I have eliminated fast food and I have almost completely cut out sugar, I have started drinking a LOT more water, I have eliminated soda completely and I’ve started drinking green smoothies every morning (usually consisting of yogurt, spinach and/or kale, a banana and some frozen fruit like mixed berries or pineapple). I’m still not quite getting enough sleep, but I am working on that too! I have lost 15 lbs in the past three weeks and I’m THRILLED about that. I feel great. I really, really do.

Updated Statistics:

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 301.8 lbs
Current BMI: 47.3

Here’s to the continuation of my journey!