Progress Update – May 28, 2016

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 316.7 lbs
Gain: 4.2 lbs
Current BMI: 49.6
Gain: 0.7

I won’t lie, I’m extremely disappointed this week. More than I have been in a long time.

I really thought that I would lose weight in New York. We started our days at 9:00 am and didn’t get back to the hotel until 9:00 each night, sometimes later. We walked almost the entire time we were there, the only time we really sat down was to eat lunch or have coffee or for the occasional break when my feet just couldn’t take it anymore. So, needless to say, I’m surprised.

I really thought I tried to watch what I ate this week. For sure, I indulged in some things (NY cheesecake was a highlight!) and I didn’t eat as many vegetables or fruits as I normally would, but I don’t think that I went crazy, so I’m really confused. I thought I would at least maintain, if not lose, so I’m really quite baffled that I gained so much.

Maybe some of it’s muscle? Water retention? I don’t know. Bodies are sometimes weird. Anyway, I’ll try not to stress about it.

I think I mentioned awhile ago that I signed up for a weight-loss program that my doctor referred me to. I am supposed to start sessions with a personal trainer in a couple of weeks (1.5 hours a week for 12 weeks), so I’m looking forward to that! I would like to use the machines at the gym but I don’t know how any of them work and I’m afraid that I’ll look stupid. I know that’s dumb, but I find those athletic types very intimidating and I feel like they’re judging me for being there, like I don’t belong. I’m sure they’re not thinking anything of the sort and that they’re concentrating on their own workouts, but I can’t help but feel self-conscious.

Hopefully this week is better, onwards and upwards! Cheers, happy losing!

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Time’s Fun When You’re Having Flies

Happy Birthday to PFG, happy birthday to PFG, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to PFG!

WordPress has kindly informed me that today marks two years since I started my blog. That’s both good and bad. Good because I’m still keeping up with it, it isn’t collecting dust like so many other projects in my life. Bad because, even though I’ve been doing this sort of regularly for two years, I haven’t made any actual progress.

Hands up, who here is an emotional eater? Me me me me me.

I love food. Who doesn’t? But food, to me, has always been more than just nourishment, more than just something yummy. It’s been a friend. A comfort. A soothing ointment for my wounds. Some people turn to drugs or alcohol to dull the pain of their lives, to fill the holes, to make them forget their misery; I used food. It’s easy to get, much easier for a young bullied kid to get than alcohol or drugs. It’s not suspicious. It’s not illegal. It’s much cheaper. And it’s everywhere, we are bombarded with it.

After he stops drinking, an alcoholic never has to go into a liquor store again. A ex-smoker doesn’t have to see cigarettes. A recovering drug addict can’t walk into a convenience store and buy cocaine or heroin or methamphetamines. But my drug is everywhere.

I can’t watch television without seeing advertisements for it. I can’t drive through town without seeing flashing signs trying to lure me. I can’t buy groceries without being bombarded with cookies, chips, ice cream and every sort of junk food imaginable. I’ve heard lots of people say “Just put down the fork” or equally rude things, but what they don’t understand is that food is something you can never escape from. I believe, wholeheartedly, that food addiction is a real addiction. Recovering addicts never have to smoke or drink or do drugs again. But I have to eat to stay alive, I have to go to grocery stores. I can never get away.

I ate a lot as an unhappy teenager because food never judged. It was always there, it made me happy and never betrayed me or made me feel embarrassed. I have found myself craving very bad things lately, trying to deal with depression and anxiety and I haven’t been eating as well as I should have. But I’m trying, that’s what matters.

Progress Update – as of October 25, 2015

Well. I’ve been really bad about updating this blog, haven’t I? Really, really bad. A lot – a LOT – has happened in the past two months.

  1. I moved. It was extremely stressful and, unfortunately, I found myself eating out a lot.
  2. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, put on medication and I started counselling. I have struggling with anxiety and depression for the past 17 years. That’s a long time to struggle, a very long time. I have been in counselling before, but this is my first time on medication. I was reluctant to go on medication, but this move triggered so much anxiety that I’m thankful that I am. Now that I’m not so stressed, hopefully I can get back to focusing on eating healthy and exercising.
  3. I started dance class. Full disclosure: I hate most exercise. Put me on a treadmill for half an hour? Utter torture. But put me in a dance class for three hours, I am happy as a clam. I also love to swim, so I’d like to swim on the days that I don’t dance, but I haven’t done that yet.

The last change, the biggest change, is that I am starting to accept myself as I am. To embrace how I look, right now, and to feel good about myself. I wanted, for a long time, to be a professional actress, but that always seemed like such a faraway goal, due to my weight. I started gaining weight when I was about 12, due to my condition, which is polycystic ovary syndrome, which can cause weight gain. Now, I did not gain weight solely because of this condition, I definitely had a hand in it myself, but it certainly didn’t help. So, for years and years, I have hated myself. I have tried so hard to lose weight to achieve this goal of being an actress, but every time I failed, I got so discouraged.

I realized earlier this year that acting is not for me. I’d gone on audition after audition, getting nothing, and I realized one day that I wasn’t having fun anymore. So, I decided to leave that behind and change my entire career. It is incredible how this decision has changed my life. While I still want to lose weight, I no longer feel the need to be Hollywood-skinny. I am happy to lose weight to be healthier and happier, and admittedly, so that I can feel better about how I look, but now I am beginning to appreciate that bodies come in all shapes and sizes and that I do not have to fit into a box to feel confident and attractive and amazing.

Take Adele, for instance. I have no idea how much Adele weighs, but she’s clearly a bigger woman and I think she’s absolutely stunning. She is not skinny, far from it, but she is beautiful and confident. That is what I want, so that’s part of my major goal at this point in my life, to accept myself as I am and feel good about it. Now, let’s crunch numbers:

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 301.1 lbs
Current BMI: 47.2
Bust: 51 inches
Waist: 57 inches
Hips: 53 inches

I’ve also decided to start taking photographs of my progress. I think this will help me, not only to have visual documentation, but also to try to appreciate the way that I look and learn to love myself, no matter what I see in the mirror. It’s scary, but here we go.

October 25, 2015 - Side October 25, 2015 - Arm October 25, 2015 -

Cheers and happy losing!!!

Progress Update – as of January 19, 2015

So, I did something really dumb. I weighed myself on Monday and I forgot to write it down, like a ninny. So I’ll just do what I normally do and list what I did well etc.

What I Did Well This Week:
1) I have started creating a bedtime routine for myself: turning off electronics, washing my face and brushing my teeth, then sitting with a cup of chamomile tea and reading a book until it’s time for bed. I am getting more sleep, and better sleep at that, which is great.

What I Can Improve On:
1) It was my birthday last week (huzzah) and I have to say that I…enjoyed myself, to say the least. You all know what that means…birthday dinner with family, drinks with friends, drinks and dinner with other friends, and plenty of cake. I did try to make good choices when possible, but there are few healthy options at pubs, I have observed.
2) I need to exercise more. I did a little bit with a friend, but I still have been unsuccessful at establishing a routine for myself.

How I Feel:
Well, I enjoyed my birthday anyway, that was nice! But I need to get my stuff together if I want to get serious about weight loss, I know that. Hopefully I will fare better in the future…

New Year’s Resolutions – “It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life…”

Have you ever heard “Feeling Good” by Nina Simone? It’s one of my favourite songs when I’m feeling down or discouraged, because it reminds me that every day can be fresh and new and wonderful.

My last blog post was titled “End of a Long Hiatus” but it should have been called “Beginning of an Even Longer Hiatus” because I have been absent for so long. I apologize, but there are reasons (good and bad) for that.

The bad reasons are what I mentioned in my last post – that I wasn’t really exercising or eating well and I was embarrassed to chart my progress because I had gained weight. That continued, I am sorry to say.

The other reasons were that both of my parents had serious health scares within the course of a month of each other (they are both perfectly fine now though, thank goodness!), starting shortly after I published my last post, so naturally my concerns were with them. I also got a new, rather demanding job, and got involved with a bunch of extracurriculars that have sucked up my time immensely. And then, suddenly, Christmas was upon us, and I found myself swept up in a buying/wrapping/decorating/cooking/baking etc. frenzy. You all know how it goes.

Anyway, I am back, for good this time. And I wanted to talk about New Year’s Resolutions.

I have learned a lot about myself over the years, good and bad things, and I have come to the realization that, despite what I had thought previously, I am not so good at multi-tasking. I also have an “all or nothing” attitude about a lot of things. These two things combined create disaster.

What often happens with my resolutions is that I try to change too many things at once. I’ll find myself with a list of 40 resolutions and I try to start ALL of them on January 1. Naturally, there is not enough time in a day for me to learn Japanese and play guitar and read 30 minutes and crochet a blanket and learn to juggle, so of course the whole thing flops. I get overwhelmed and then I say “screw it” and stop doing everything. (Which is often what happens when I miss too many workouts in a row or eat poorly for a little while, I just say “forget it, who cares” and continue with my bad habits.)

This year, I changed my strategy. I have a few New Year’s Resolutions, but I broke the year down into projects as well, so that I can complete some of the things that I want to, but I don’t feel pressured to do everything at once. For example, my project for January is to crochet a blanket instead of “crochet 30 minutes every day” which, given my schedule, is rather unrealistic. I am hoping that wording these things differently allow me to take the pressure off myself and just enjoy what I’m doing, instead of trying to cram everything into an already-busy day.

I also made very specific goals this year. Instead of just things like “get fit” or “eat healthier” my resolutions are things like “do 30 minutes of exercise 4 days a week” and “eat less sugar and less processed food”. I tend to get overwhelmed quite easily when I look at the “big picture”, so I think that by breaking generic goals down into smaller ones, I will be more able to keep up with them and to just take things day by day.

I am going to do a new progress update on Sunday (which will be my new weigh and measure day) to start this year’s journey, I hope many of you will join me!

Cheers and Happy New Year!

Progress Update – as of September 13, 2014

Height: 5’7″
Weight: 290.4 lbs
Loss: 3.9 lbs
Current BMI: 45.5
Loss: 0.6

This week’s loss, I think, was brought to you by influenza and the fact that I really couldn’t keep much down for a couple of days. So, oh well.

What I Did Well This Week:
1) One thing I have been doing well is drinking a lot of water. It’s kind of astonishing how little I had been drinking, I didn’t even realize. Now that I am drinking a lot, I notice that when I don’t, I really feel thirsty. Hopefully I can keep this up!

What I Need to Improve On:
1) Although I have been drinking more water, I haven’t been eating less sugar, which has been one of my goals for a couple of weeks, so I can most definitely improve on that.
2) I also really, really need to start getting into an exercise routine. I have really gotten off track and I haven’t been able to find my way back, so hopefully I can do that this week.

How I Feel:
Pretty good, pretty optimistic and hey, this week is a new week, hallelujah!

Progress Update – as of August 16, 2014 and August 23, 2014

Height: 5’7″

August 16:
Current Weight: 297.2 lbs
Gain: 5.3 lbs
Current BMI: 46.5
Gain: 0.8

August 23:
Current Weight: 294.2 lbs
Loss: 3.0 lbs
Current BMI: 46.1
Loss: 0.4

So, an interesting couple of weeks. A big gain and a big (but smaller) loss. I should say that I don’t know why this happening, but I am sure I do. When I look back on my week, I remember making healthy choices and trying to exercise. However, I have not been tracking my food or exercise religiously like I used to and I think, like most people, when I’m not keeping track I vastly underestimate the amount of food that I’m eating and overestimate the amount of exercise, as well as my exertion level. Hence, the pounds sneak back on. 

What I Did Well This Week:
1) I thought I was making healthy choices. Maybe I wasn’t, but I’m trying, that’s the key. 

What I Can Improve On:
1) Same old, same old. Better eating, more sleep, more exercise. My main thing is sugar. I love sugar. (Who doesn’t?) I love to bake, it’s my Achilles’ heel. So, for the next week, I am trying to do NO sugar. It’s going to be hard. I don’t want to never have sugar ever again, but I really need to reduce my intake. So, let’s see, let’s see if I can do no sugar for awhile and then gradually put it back into my life. 

How I Feel:
More mad at myself than discouraged. I know what I need to do to lose weight, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to do so. I think the reason that I did so well when I was travelling was because a) I didn’t have a car, so I had to either walk or bus (which required planning) everywhere I went and b) I wasn’t working, I spent my days walking around tourist sites. I am finding it difficult to balance my work with my life responsibilities and trying to squeeze in exercise on top of that is proving to be even harder. Truthfully, I could make time for exercise, but I’m so exhausted when I get home from work that it’s extremely difficult to motivate myself to do anything besides just relaxing on the couch. The silver lining in this is that, even though I bus to work, I walk to and from the bus station almost every day, so I usually get at least a 20 minute walk in every day. Not much, but it’s something. 

Cheers, happy losing!