When life gives you lemons…

I have been doing pretty well lately, I think. My anxiety is still a huge problem, but I have a great therapist and I am slowly learning how to better handle my emotions, mostly by recognizing when I’m having a panic attack and calming myself down.

Healing, however, is not linear…and today was shit.

So, there is this guy…

The last time there was a guy, he broke my heart into a million pieces. We spent a ton of time together, just the two of us, and we talked every single day about everything, leading me to believe he felt the same way. He did not. And he knew it. He misled me for months until I finally¬†got the courage to tell him I wanted a relationship, at which point he told me that oh, by the way, he knew the whole time that I was in love with him and he liked spending time with me because I am “awesome” but that he doesn’t want a girlfriend. Ever.

So, needless to say, I am very hesitant when it comes to dealing with men. It took me months to get over THAT BOY and I don’t care to ever repeat that situation.

Fast forward 10 months and I meet this guy at school when we are paired up by our professor. I wasn’t attracted to him at first, to be honest. He is an attractive guy, certainly, but there wasn’t really anything…until we started talking. And then I figured out how much we have in common. So I thought, hurray, I found someone new and I wasn’t even looking.

Today, however, I’m not so sure. I am beginning to be concerned that he has a drinking problem. More than once he has failed to show up for get-togethers that he assured me he was attending, with no explanation, because he was drunk. These were group plans, mind you, so it’s not like he left me sitting alone in a restaurant. But still, it rubs me the wrong way and I find it deeply concerning that alcohol is a reoccurring theme.

Yeah, okay, we’re in college. And yeah, okay, he likes to have fun with his buddies. But something doesn’t feel right and my heart is breaking because he isn’t the person that I thought he was…and because I am very concerned for him right now.

Has anyone ever dealt with someone with an addiction? I feel like I don’t know him well enough to ask him about it, and I don’t want to say anything until I have more information, but I am alarmed and very sad, frankly.

So…cue the anxiety. Cue the panic attacks. Cue the idea that he doesn’t really like me and that he is getting drunk because the thought of spending time with me while sober is just that awful. I know it’s probably not about me, but when someone that I really care about doesn’t show up for plans we made, I immediately assume it’s because of me. That I’ve done something, that they secretly hate me. I know it’s ridiculous. I know it’s irrational. But self-loathing runs deep.

Advertisements

A Heavy Heart

I haven’t updated yet this week, as you probably noticed. I will tomorrow, I promise.

This week has been weird. It was my birthday on Thursday and I had an incredible, amazing day full of love from coworkers, friends and family alike. But, at the same time, I was so nervous because I decided that on Sunday, the 17th, that I would tell the man that I am in love with that I have feelings for him.

That was today. It didn’t go so well.

I have known him for six months. We clicked instantly on the day that we met and started hanging out and talking (almost daily). I told ALL of my friends about him, how much I liked him, how much we have in common and then today, I told him that I have feelings for him.

His response? That I’m a great friend, but he isn’t “looking for anything”. Ouch. He was nice about it and everything, and I’m not going to stop being his friend, but MAN, it hurt. It still does. And I’m sure it will for a long time. So I’m allowing myself to be depressed and to cry and to wallow because I think I need it for right now. So forgive me if I’m not as prompt as normal with my entries.