Progress Update – as of March 5, 2016

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 314.6 lbs
Gain: 2.0 lbs
Current BMI: 49.3
Gain: 0.3
Bust: 53 inches
Gain: 1.0 inches
Waist: 56 inches
Loss: 1.5 inches
Hips: 56 inches

I feel like I’m living on a roller coaster, emotionally and physically. I’m up in pounds, but down in measurements, apparently. Although I generally take the measurements with a grain of salt, since I can never be sure if I’m measuring in the exact same spot every single time.

I am feeling really depressed and I can’t seem to snap out of it. I think I know why, though. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Here we go…

When I was 20, I was sexually assaulted at a party by someone that I knew, someone that I thought was my friend. It wasn’t rape, but there are other things you can do to someone. I was so shocked and scared that I didn’t know what to do, so as soon as he was done I just left the party and got in my car and cried.

I never told anyone. Not for 6 whole years. I pretended like it never happened. I blamed myself. “I shouldn’t have been alone with him. I should have been more clear that I didn’t want it. I should…I should…I should…” So many excuses. I made excuses for him: he didn’t know what he was doing, he must have thought I wanted it, he was really drunk. But it was not my fault. I did nothing to make him believe that I wanted his sexual attention and being drunk is not an excuse to take advantage of someone, especially when that person is clearly trying to get away from you.

I saw him, for the first time in 6 years, last August. I had succeeded in putting it out of my brain, for the most part (although my relationships with men have always been awful, which should have been a clue) but when I saw him, it all came flooding back. I started having nightmares and crying all the time and I think now I’m realizing that most of my weirdness has to do with the fact that I’ve never properly dealt with it.

Being assaulted made my body my enemy. I was overweight before this happened, but between then and now, I have gained 100 lbs. I have never let a man touch me since then. And I grew to hate my body, which is so incredibly sad.

This whole process has made me realize why I am the way I am and how I could get to this weight. I take responsibility for where I am, physically, I know that nobody forced me to eat the way I have, but there is a reason why I did and I think that I probably cannot get into a healthy mindset permanently until I deal with underlying issues.

The moral of the story? Talk about stuff. Don’t hold things inside. Get help.

Cheers, happy losing!

 

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Goal Setting – or – How to Fail at It

So. As you may have noticed, I have not yet updated my progress for this week. Partly because this week seems to be crazy with work and my real life, so I feel like I haven’t had a second to do so. But I wanted to reflect.

I am a planner. I am one of those people who just LOVES to plan. I love lists, I love getting organized. But when it comes to exercise and getting fit, I have never been able to be a doer. I don’t consider myself a lazy person by any means, but for some reason, eating right and getting exercise is the one area of my life where I can’t seem to light a fire under my butt.

I have been pondering, lately, why that is. Since I’ve had such an emotional last few months, I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection, trying to figure out who I am and what I want and where I should go from here. I realized, upon reflection, how utterly terrified I am.

Most people who know me would consider me to be outgoing, loud and spontaneous. That, however, is only because they know me well, so I allow myself to be my true self around them. People who went to school with me would describe me as shy, reserved and quiet, adjectives which I don’t think describe me at all. But they do. Because I am afraid. I am afraid of being wrong. I am afraid of being judged. I am afraid of being thought of as stupid or ignorant or unlikable, so I keep my mouth shut and I don’t take risks.

I can’t pinpoint exactly why I’m afraid to lose weight. I really DO want to, but something has held me back in a way that it hasn’t in other areas of my life. Maybe I’m afraid I’ll fail? Maybe it’s easier to just give up? I’m not sure yet. I’m investigating, I’ve been doing a lot of journaling lately.

I think a lot of it is that I am feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with life and the demands of the people around me. Overwhelmed at my job. Overwhelmed with the prospect of going back to school and the financial burden I am taking on because of that. Overwhelmed with the amount of information constantly being thrown my way regarding weight loss and health: “Eat this! It’s the best thing ever!” “Just kidding, it’s the worst! Eat this instead!”

I have been looking up a lot of workouts and trying to figure out which ones I want to do, but I haven’t done ANY of them because I honestly don’t know where to start. Everybody thinks that their workout is “the best” and trying to incorporate ALL of them into my life has just stressed me out. So I think I’m going back to basics: basic weights, basic cardio. There are so many incredible workouts that I’d like to try, but for now, I’ll just start at the bottom and work my way up.

I’m also going to cut back on my goal-setting. I thought that one new goal a week wouldn’t overwhelm me, but it has, and I’ve fallen way behind. One step at a time.

Just keep swimming.

 

Progress Update – as of December 26, 2015

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 308.9 lbs
Loss: 1.2 lbs
Current BMI: 48.4
Loss: 0.2

Last weigh-in of 2015, wahoo! Here’s to a great 2016!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, I certainly did! I’m honestly very surprised that I lost anything this past week, given all of the mashed potatoes, turkey, stuffing, chocolate, sparkling apple juice (so good!) and pavlova (a traditional New Zealand meringue dish, served with whip cream and fruit) that I consumed. Not going to lie, I did not eat very well at all. I’m assuming it’s water weight, because I didn’t exercise at all either. Ah well, down is better than up!

It’s the time to make New Year’s Resolutions once again. I always make a million of these, but I rarely stick to them. I think my problem is that I try to start them all at the same time – less sugar, more water, daily exercise, more sleep, more green tea, daily yoga – and I overwhelm myself. So this year, instead, I’m going to try to do one new thing a week. Week 1, maybe I’ll try to get in 150 minutes of exercise over the course of the week. Week 2, maybe I’ll drink more water. And so forth!

I’m planning to list these weekly goals on each of my posts, so I can keep myself accountable and can update you all on my progress!

Cheers, Happy New Year!

Progress Update – as of May 26, 2014

Once again, I have no scale. What is irritating is that I am staying in yet another house that has a scale, BUT it is broken, ugh! Oh well, what can you do? I will be home in 8 days, so I can weigh myself then. 

What I Did Well This Week:
1) I have been doing well at saying “no” to certain foods, I think. I am not saying no permanently, but rather I am trying to pay attention to what I eat during the day and make good choices. For example, if I have ice cream after lunch, then I really don’t need to have pie after supper. I think that my problem in the past has been “moderation is key!” but then not actually moderating myself. So right now I am trying to restrict myself to one “treat” a day, so that I don’t overindulge. Sometimes I feel like “oh yes, I need some cake now” but realistically, that cake (or ice cream or bag of chips or whatever) will be there tomorrow too. 

What I Can Improve On:
1) Exercise! I haven’t been exercising as much as I would like, so obviously that’s something that I should work on. I have been walking on this trip, but I haven’t been doing any weight training or anything, so that is something I really want to get back to when I get home. 
2) Eating right, as always. Always room for improvement there! 

How I Feel:
I feel pretty good, but I am anxious to get back home. I am hoping that I kept the weight off that I lost initially. I think I did pretty well, but I don’t know for sure. I haven’t been able to weigh myself much, so I’m going off how my clothes fit me and they haven’t been getting tighter (if anything, they’re getting looser) so I think that’s a great sign. We’ll see! 

Progress Update – as of February 12, 2014

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 292.6 lbs
Loss: 1.4 lbs
Current BMI: 45.8
Loss: 0.2

So this week I am back on the losing track and I couldn’t be happier! I’ll be honest though, getting back into working out was tough. There were days when I really really did not want to and sometimes my couch won out and I did not. I also had to slow down my workouts and not do as much as I was previously doing, because I discovered (to my dismay) that even though I was sick 3 weeks ago, my lungs are still not back to where they were. I could only do 15 minutes on the treadmill (as opposed to my usual 30) until they really started hurting, but that’s okay, it’s better than nothing and I’ll get back in slowly.

This is going to be a short post, since I have another one brewing that will be up later today or tomorrow, so here we go.

What I Did Really Well This Week: 

1) I have started my day with a piece of fruit every day and I am proud of that. I have really made an effort this week to get in more fruits and veggies and I think I did pretty well with that.

2) I got back to tracking my food, everything that I eat. I think tracking makes a big difference for me because so often I will pop something in my mouth and then without realizing, I’ve just eaten 500 calories without even thinking. Tracking makes me much more aware.

What I Can Improve On:

1) Exercise is my main goal this week, to get back into the routine that I had before. I am going to take it easy because my lungs are still feeling tired from my illness, but even if I can just do 15 minutes or just do weights or something, at least it’s something.

How I Feel:

A little frustrated that I can’t jump right back into the exercise routine that I was doing, but otherwise I feel pretty good about things. I am stressed out, but I think I have been handling it pretty well, so that’s good. I just have to keep working towards my goals and think ahead and not let the stress of the moment allow me to inhale a bag of chips or something like that.