Progress Update – as of March 5, 2016

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 314.6 lbs
Gain: 2.0 lbs
Current BMI: 49.3
Gain: 0.3
Bust: 53 inches
Gain: 1.0 inches
Waist: 56 inches
Loss: 1.5 inches
Hips: 56 inches

I feel like I’m living on a roller coaster, emotionally and physically. I’m up in pounds, but down in measurements, apparently. Although I generally take the measurements with a grain of salt, since I can never be sure if I’m measuring in the exact same spot every single time.

I am feeling really depressed and I can’t seem to snap out of it. I think I know why, though. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Here we go…

When I was 20, I was sexually assaulted at a party by someone that I knew, someone that I thought was my friend. It wasn’t rape, but there are other things you can do to someone. I was so shocked and scared that I didn’t know what to do, so as soon as he was done I just left the party and got in my car and cried.

I never told anyone. Not for 6 whole years. I pretended like it never happened. I blamed myself. “I shouldn’t have been alone with him. I should have been more clear that I didn’t want it. I should…I should…I should…” So many excuses. I made excuses for him: he didn’t know what he was doing, he must have thought I wanted it, he was really drunk. But it was not my fault. I did nothing to make him believe that I wanted his sexual attention and being drunk is not an excuse to take advantage of someone, especially when that person is clearly trying to get away from you.

I saw him, for the first time in 6 years, last August. I had succeeded in putting it out of my brain, for the most part (although my relationships with men have always been awful, which should have been a clue) but when I saw him, it all came flooding back. I started having nightmares and crying all the time and I think now I’m realizing that most of my weirdness has to do with the fact that I’ve never properly dealt with it.

Being assaulted made my body my enemy. I was overweight before this happened, but between then and now, I have gained 100 lbs. I have never let a man touch me since then. And I grew to hate my body, which is so incredibly sad.

This whole process has made me realize why I am the way I am and how I could get to this weight. I take responsibility for where I am, physically, I know that nobody forced me to eat the way I have, but there is a reason why I did and I think that I probably cannot get into a healthy mindset permanently until I deal with underlying issues.

The moral of the story? Talk about stuff. Don’t hold things inside. Get help.

Cheers, happy losing!