One step forward, two steps back…

So…I have come to the realization that I do not have to be skinny to be happy, that I do not have to be 130 lbs to be beautiful, and that no number in the world should dictate my happiness.

Easier said than done, however.

I suffer from chronic, debilitating anxiety. Usually, it’s enough under the surface that I can handle it by breathing or talking to a friend or even just having a nap. Sometimes, though, it gets so bad that I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t stop crying, I hyperventilate, my stomach is full of knots and I feel like I will either lose my mind completely or die.

Most of the time, to an outsider, it’s irrational. Lots of people get nervous or anxious about everyday things, but I bet that most people don’t understand what it’s like to let your imagination truly run away with you…it’s terrifying. Horrible images play in your mind, negative thoughts run through continuously, and you feel like you will never be happy again. You almost want to die just to make it stop…I’ve had those thoughts before. I’ve never attempted suicide or even made a plan…but when my anxiety is bad, there are times when I think “If only I were dead, then this would all be over”.

It’s an awful, awful place to be. Exercise helps anxiety, in fact, it’s one of the most effective treatments for it. However…it’s really REALLY difficult to motivate yourself to exercise when you feel like utter garbage. When you’re lying there wishing you were dead, usually the thought of putting on gym clothes and sweating on a treadmill ranks next to strutting naked down the busiest street in your city.

I’ve been exercising relatively regularly these days. Not as much as I want, but usually at least twice a week. I also got a FitBit for Christmas and so I’ve been trying to get in 10,000 steps every day, but it’s difficult sometimes.

So…we’ll see. I’m searching for a new therapist at the moment, as I don’t think that mine is working out very well. We just talk…which is okay, but I can do that with my friends. I need more.

Does anyone else deal with anxiety and depression? Have any of you ever tried CBT or DBT or meditation? I’m hoping to find something that will help me…

Advertisements

Progress Update – as of March 12, 2016

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 312.1 lbs
Loss: 2.5 lbs
Current BMI: 48.9
Loss: 0.4

Yay, we’re down again! Truthfully, I think this is likely because I was sick and not through much effort on my part, but hey, it’s all good.

I have some VERY exciting news to share! I recently went for my annual physical (although it’s not quite annual since I haven’t had one since 2014) and my doctor expressed concern that my weight had gone up since she last saw me. Since I have a chronic disease called poly-cystic ovary syndrome (PCOS for short) and it can become worse with weight gain (as well as cause weight gain and make it difficult to lose weight, hurray!) she wanted to address it.

She put me on a program through my healthcare system that pairs me up with a nurse who specializes in weight management. When I met with this nurse, Julie, the next week, she explained it to me. Basically, it’s a program that’s designed to be completed in six months. In those six months, I will attend sessions about things like emotional eating, nutrition, managing cravings, how to cut down on sugar etc. AND I will also be assigned a trainer who I will meet with once a week for 12 weeks to develop an exercise regimen. And, best of all, it’s FREE. (Thank you Canadian healthcare!)

I’m so excited. I had been toying with the idea of getting a trainer for a long time but I balked at the cost. I had no idea this program even existed, so the idea that I can get such incredible, professional support and help for free is just amazing to me.

I feel like I’ve fallen off track, spiritually. I was bogged down by anxiety and depression and I worried too much about what other people think about me, I invested so many time and energy into their emotions and feelings that I left nothing for myself, so I was unhappy and very drained. But I’ve decided, it’s time for ME. I’m young, I have no dependents, so now is the best time for me to reconnect with myself and focus on my own needs. I have enrolled in yoga, meditation and knitting classes, I’m planning a trip to Asia in May and now I’m starting this new weight loss program and I am unbelievably excited! 2016 is shaping up to be pretty wonderful!

Cheers, happy losing!