So. As you may have noticed, I have not yet updated my progress for this week. Partly because this week seems to be crazy with work and my real life, so I feel like I haven’t had a second to do so. But I wanted to reflect.
I am a planner. I am one of those people who just LOVES to plan. I love lists, I love getting organized. But when it comes to exercise and getting fit, I have never been able to be a doer. I don’t consider myself a lazy person by any means, but for some reason, eating right and getting exercise is the one area of my life where I can’t seem to light a fire under my butt.
I have been pondering, lately, why that is. Since I’ve had such an emotional last few months, I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection, trying to figure out who I am and what I want and where I should go from here. I realized, upon reflection, how utterly terrified I am.
Most people who know me would consider me to be outgoing, loud and spontaneous. That, however, is only because they know me well, so I allow myself to be my true self around them. People who went to school with me would describe me as shy, reserved and quiet, adjectives which I don’t think describe me at all. But they do. Because I am afraid. I am afraid of being wrong. I am afraid of being judged. I am afraid of being thought of as stupid or ignorant or unlikable, so I keep my mouth shut and I don’t take risks.
I can’t pinpoint exactly why I’m afraid to lose weight. I really DO want to, but something has held me back in a way that it hasn’t in other areas of my life. Maybe I’m afraid I’ll fail? Maybe it’s easier to just give up? I’m not sure yet. I’m investigating, I’ve been doing a lot of journaling lately.
I think a lot of it is that I am feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with life and the demands of the people around me. Overwhelmed at my job. Overwhelmed with the prospect of going back to school and the financial burden I am taking on because of that. Overwhelmed with the amount of information constantly being thrown my way regarding weight loss and health: “Eat this! It’s the best thing ever!” “Just kidding, it’s the worst! Eat this instead!”
I have been looking up a lot of workouts and trying to figure out which ones I want to do, but I haven’t done ANY of them because I honestly don’t know where to start. Everybody thinks that their workout is “the best” and trying to incorporate ALL of them into my life has just stressed me out. So I think I’m going back to basics: basic weights, basic cardio. There are so many incredible workouts that I’d like to try, but for now, I’ll just start at the bottom and work my way up.
I’m also going to cut back on my goal-setting. I thought that one new goal a week wouldn’t overwhelm me, but it has, and I’ve fallen way behind. One step at a time.
Just keep swimming.