It’s Hard Out Here for a Wimp

It is HOT being fat. I don’t mean just hard, it’s HOT.

I am one of those unfortunate people who turns beet red and sweats profusely during pretty much any physical activity. When I was kid, it was only soccer that really made that happen, but these days, it’s just about anything. It is especially bad if it’s hot outside.

I just got off the bus and walked 10 minutes…not a hard walk, but when you are carrying around 300 lbs and it’s 28 degrees out (Celsius, that’s 82.4 F for the Americans), it’s HOT.

For some of you who may live more south, that probably doesn’t seem that hot, but let me remind you that this is Canada. Where I live, it can easily get to -40 C (-40 F) in the winter, so going from -40 C to 30 C is a HUGE change that usually happens very, very quickly. Just in April it was cold, wet and snowy…now it’s suddenly sunny and 30 C. I have never been good in the heat anyway, as I have super fair skin that burns with no provocation, but being overweight makes it 100 times worse.

Let’s also mention the clothes. Overweight people are made to feel that they cannot wear shorts, sleeveless tops or (god forbid) bathing suits in public. I think the last time I wore shorts or a sleeveless top in public was probably 15 or so years ago. As a result? I suffer. I sit, drenched in sweat, dying, because I am too self-conscious to wear shorts or sleeveless tops or even a bathing suit in public.

It’s something that I’m working on, caring less about what other people think, but it is, to say the least, very difficult.

Onwards and upwards.

Advertisements

Progress Update – as of February 6 and 13, 2016

Height: 5’7″

February 6, 2016
Current Weight: 311.8 lbs
Gain: 1.2 lbs
Current BMI: 48.8
Gain: 0.2
Bust: 52 inches
Waist: 57.5 inches (+ 1.5 inches)
Hips: 56 inches

February 13, 2016
Current Weight: 313.0 lbs
Gain: 1.2 lbs
Current BMI: 49.0
Gain: 0.2

So, I’m up again. I’m not surprised, this week I was so incredibly busy, I feel like I didn’t have a second to myself. I had commitments every single night, several of which included dinners. I didn’t really cook at all this week, I bought my lunch a lot because I got home so late every night, so it’s completely my fault. Oh well.

I supposedly added 1.5 inches to my waist, but I’m not entirely sure if I believe my measurements, I find it’s very difficult to hold the actual measuring tape the same way every time, so for that small a different, I’m not worried.

I had a good and bad week this week. I was still feeling pretty lost and down in the dumps, but a friend of mine did a tarot card reading for me on Monday. I don’t really believe in any of that stuff, but it was still kind of fun. She has been through depression too and she keeps trying to remind me, whenever I’m feeling down, to banish the negative self-talk. It’s something that I’ve done for years, so it’s very difficult to do, but I am trying.

I also had a really wonderful talk with a friend of mine. He got angry with me the other day for being so negative about myself, so he asked me to come over so we could talk about it, which was so nice. He wanted me to know that he was there for me and that I’m not alone and that just because this one man rejected me doesn’t mean that I have nothing to offer or that I am not worthy of love. It seems obvious, but sometimes it’s really hard to believe that I am a person of worth.

I’m not going to list my goals on here anymore, I think I was putting too much pressure on myself to change too many things at once. I mentioned this in my last post, but I’m a very “all for nothing” kind of person and I find it really hard to forgive myself when I make mistakes. So I’m just going for the simple approach this week and doing my best to live a healthy lifestyle: drinking water, eating as healthy as I can, trying to get in 10,000 steps a day and trying to get lots of sleep. And, most importantly, learning to forgive myself!

Cheers, happy losing!

 

Progress Update – as of January 2, 2016

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 305.9
Loss: 3.0 lbs
Current BMI: 47.9
Loss: 0.5
Bust: 52 inches
Waist: 56 inches
Hips: 56 inches

Well, what a great start to the new year! To be honest, I am a bit surprised that I lost so much, I wasn’t that great about exercising or eating but HEY, I will take it!

I’ve been feeling pretty good these last few days. My mood has been all over the place for the last few months, but recently I’ve become interested in the Body Positive movement. If you haven’t ever heard of that, it’s basically the idea that you should love yourself, no matter what you look like or where you are in your journey, and that your weight shouldn’t control your life. Some people think that the movement “glorifies obesity”, but I don’t think so. It’s ridiculous to pretend that being overweight automatically makes someone incredibly unhealthy or means they can’t be fit, and overweight people should not be made to feel ashamed of themselves. I think that’s something that’s taken me a long time to realize, that just because I am overweight doesn’t mean that I have to hate myself or that I don’t deserve happiness or self-acceptance. 

It seems ridiculously simple, but it’s not. We are conditioned to believe that fat is bad and that being overweight somehow makes us bad people and that we should be ashamed of being fat. But I’m tired of being ashamed. Have I made some bad choices that have led me down that path? Of course. Is the lifestyle that I lead healthy? Not really, I don’t get enough exercise or sleep or eat enough good food. Do I want to lose weight? Yes. But why should I be made to feel that I don’t deserve to live a full and happy life because I don’t (currently) fit what society has deemed attractive? My health is my business and, aside from being physically unfit, I am in perfect health: my blood pressure and cholesterol are perfect, my eyesight is excellent, my bones are in good shape, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs etc. Not all skinny people can say that.

So, this year, I am trying to love myself. I used to have an “ideal” weight that I wanted to achieve, but now I don’t have a specific number in mind, I just want to feel good. The body positive movement shows beautiful and amazing people of all shapes and sizes and it made me realize that I do not have to match a number on the scale to feel good about myself. I do want to become fitter, which I know will result in weight loss, but I no longer feel that I need to be skinny or fit into a certain size dress to be beautiful and awesome and wonderful. There are so many incredibly stunning and amazingly talented people who are not super skinny and I am so happy to finally realize this. I have a personal instagram, but I’m also considering making a PrettyFatGirl instagram account where I can post photos of my progress as well as photos/quotes etc. that I find inspiring. Stay tuned!

Week 1 Goal: Get 150 minutes of exercise this week

Cheers, happy losing!

 

Progress Update – as of August 30, 2015

An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time

Whitesnake, anyone? Good song. Relevant, I think, to my life right now.

HOW is it the end of August already? HOW, I tell you?

I did it again, as you may have noticed. I slacked off. I moved, my beloved kitty died (he was 16, so he had a GREAT life, but sad to see him go) and I wrote an exam for a university course that I am taking, so my life the past few weeks has been packing, studying and, sadly, grieving.

It’s just an excuse, though. I know it is. I could make exercise a priority in my life. I think, for most of us, not having enough time is really not true. My life was this: go to work, come home from work, eat supper, study, pack, go to bed. I studied for an hour and packed for an hour every night, if that. So where did all of those other hours go? Sure, there was a little time for me to make supper or to pack my lunch for the next day. But there was also definitely time for me to have squeezed in 30 minutes of exercise. But I didn’t, because I am not accountable for my time. Like most of us, I get sucked into my computer and my phone and before I know it, I’ve spent half an hour looking at some random article that I don’t really even care about.

My life has simplified a lot now, which is nice. I have fewer commitments that I had previously and I’ve moved to a place that is two blocks from a pool (I love swimming, I could swim every day) AND I have signed up to take some dance classes. I hate conventional exercise, I am realizing. I mean, I like going for walks, but the leisurely pace at which I walk isn’t really enough to have a huge impact on my fitness or my weight. And I don’t like feeling like I have to go for a walk, I like walking when I want to get outside and enjoy myself. So here’s to new beginnings!

I think I am going to put photos up. I have been reluctant to do so because it’s embarrassing, but maybe it will keep me accountable. Not my face, just myself.

I have a lot of self-esteem issues. I have recently developed very strong feelings for a friend of mine and I’d like to pursue it  – and I *think* he feels the same way – but I am realizing that the way I feel about myself is holding me back, because I feel like he could never possibly be attracted to someone who looks like me.

I do not want to lose weight for him, so that he would be attracted to me, but I feel this experience has taught me that I need to feel good about myself and love myself before I can let someone else love me. I think that having photos up will not only motivate me, but perhaps taking photographs and really forcing myself to look in the mirror all the time (something I generally avoid) will help me to appreciate who I am and love myself as I am, regardless of whether I fit into society’s idea of beautiful.

Cheers and happy losing!