Progress Update – as of November 22, 2015

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 308.2 lbs
Gain: 3.0 lbs
Current BMI: 48.3
Gain: 0.5
Bust: 49 in.
Loss: 2 in.
Waist: 56 in.
Loss: 1 in.
Hips: 54 in.
Gain: 1 in.

Today was one of the days that I was meant to post photos, but my camera is full and I can’t find the chord to download the photos onto my computer, so bear with me.

I’m up again. I’m not really surprised. This week has been tough, emotionally, and so when that happens, I tend to find that I pay less attention to my eating habits and that I indulge myself more than I should. I also didn’t exercise, as I was too tired and/or unmotivated most of the time. Frustrating.

I find it a little weird that my measurements are down, but I imagine that it’s just because it’s hard to measure oneself in exactly the same way every time, so it’s more likely my error than actual loss. It’s nice to see smaller numbers, but I’ll take it with a grain of salt.

I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow and I honestly cannot wait. The medication that I’m on has helped some, but I still find my mood fluctuating a lot. I think that some of that has to do with fatigue; I have been trying to get as much sleep as possible, but I find it difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep sometimes. When I’m tired, it just makes it so much harder to make the right decisions about eating and exercise and it makes everything seem so overwhelming.

I’ve recently discovered the concept of HIIT (high-intensity interval training) workouts. Sometimes, even though I know theoretically that I probably have enough time, it seems like it’s too much of a commitment to workout and so I don’t. (Being overwhelmed, again.) HIIT workouts are designed to be extremely short and very intense, so that you can get maximum impact in a short time. You can do them on a bike, a treadmill, a rowing machine, swimming or doing intense things like boxing, burpees etc. I’ve seen several versions, but most of them consist of X number of seconds of going as hard as you can (15 or 3o) then 3X seconds (45 or 90) of rest, where you continue doing the activity but you go at a much slower pace.

I tried it the other day on my rowing machine and I have to say, it felt pretty great. It was difficult, for sure, but it made me feel hopeful. You’re not supposed to do it every day, I think on the days you don’t do it you’re meant to just do some easy cardio, which is fine. We’ll see.

Progress Update – as of November 8, 2015

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 302.5 lbs
Gain: 4.1 lbs
Current BMI: 47.4
Gain: 0.7 lbs

So, we’re up this week. I’m not surprised. I tried really hard to track, but for whatever reason last week I ate out a lot. It’s very hard to make good choices at restaurants, it seems, so many dishes that you think wouldn’t be that bad, like sandwiches, can be super high in fat and calories. Unfortunate. I’m disappointed, but I’m not giving up.

To tell you the truth, I’m struggling. I really wanted to exercise this week, but I’m exhausted. I have been trying really hard for the past few weeks, but my depression is really getting to me. It’s so hard to get up in the morning and when I get home from work, I’m so exhausted that all I want to do is lie down. I know logically that exercise help with depression and will give me more energy, but it’s so hard to find the motivation to do it. Seeing the numbers go up on the scale makes me realize that I have to exercise to get where I want to go, but it’s also so discouraging.

I am trying really hard to eat more fruits and vegetables. I often am starving when I get home, so I’m hoping that snacking on fruits and veggies at work will help me to make good choices when I get home and take the time to prepare something healthy. I’ve also thought about investing in a slow cooker, but I’m worried about leaving it on while I’m at work. I know they’re designed to do that, but it makes me nervous. Does anyone have experience with a slow cooker? Let me know in the comments!

Cheers, happy losing!

Progress Update – as of October 25, 2015

Well. I’ve been really bad about updating this blog, haven’t I? Really, really bad. A lot – a LOT – has happened in the past two months.

1. I moved. It was extremely stressful and, unfortunately, I found myself eating out a lot.
2. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, put on medication and I started counselling. I have struggling with anxiety and depression for the past 17 years. That’s a long time to struggle, a very long time. I have been in counselling before, but this is my first time on medication. I was reluctant to go on medication, but this move triggered so much anxiety that I’m thankful that I am. Now that I’m not so stressed, hopefully I can get back to focusing on eating healthy and exercising.
3. I started dance class. Full disclosure: I hate most exercise. Put me on a treadmill for half an hour? Utter torture. But put me in a dance class for three hours, I am happy as a clam. I also love to swim, so I’d like to swim on the days that I don’t dance, but I haven’t done that yet.

The last change, the biggest change, is that I am starting to accept myself as I am. To embrace how I look, right now, and to feel good about myself. I wanted, for a long time, to be a professional actress, but that always seemed like such a faraway goal, due to my weight. I started gaining weight when I was about 12, due to my condition, which is polycystic ovary syndrome, which can cause weight gain. Now, I did not gain weight solely because of this condition, I definitely had a hand in it myself, but it certainly didn’t help. So, for years and years, I have hated myself. I have tried so hard to lose weight to achieve this goal of being an actress, but every time I failed, I got so discouraged.

I realized earlier this year that acting is not for me. I’d gone on audition after audition, getting nothing, and I realized one day that I wasn’t having fun anymore. So, I decided to leave that behind and change my entire career. It is incredible how this decision has changed my life. While I still want to lose weight, I no longer feel the need to be Hollywood-skinny. I am happy to lose weight to be healthier and happier, and admittedly, so that I can feel better about how I look, but now I am beginning to appreciate that bodies come in all shapes and sizes and that I do not have to fit into a box to feel confident and attractive and amazing.

Take Adele, for instance. I have no idea how much Adele weighs, but she’s clearly a bigger woman and I think she’s absolutely stunning. She is not skinny, far from it, but she is beautiful and confident. That is what I want, so that’s part of my major goal at this point in my life, to accept myself as I am and feel good about it. Now, let’s crunch numbers:

Height: 5’7″
Current Weight: 301.1 lbs
Current BMI: 47.2
Bust: 51 inches
Waist: 57 inches
Hips: 53 inches

I’ve also decided to start taking photographs of my progress. I think this will help me, not only to have visual documentation, but also to try to appreciate the way that I look and learn to love myself, no matter what I see in the mirror. It’s scary, but here we go.

Cheers and happy losing!!!

Progress Update – as of August 16, 2014 and August 23, 2014

Height: 5’7″

August 16:
Current Weight: 297.2 lbs
Gain: 5.3 lbs
Current BMI: 46.5
Gain: 0.8

August 23:
Current Weight: 294.2 lbs
Loss: 3.0 lbs
Current BMI: 46.1
Loss: 0.4

So, an interesting couple of weeks. A big gain and a big (but smaller) loss. I should say that I don’t know why this happening, but I am sure I do. When I look back on my week, I remember making healthy choices and trying to exercise. However, I have not been tracking my food or exercise religiously like I used to and I think, like most people, when I’m not keeping track I vastly underestimate the amount of food that I’m eating and overestimate the amount of exercise, as well as my exertion level. Hence, the pounds sneak back on. 

What I Did Well This Week:
1) I thought I was making healthy choices. Maybe I wasn’t, but I’m trying, that’s the key. 

What I Can Improve On:
1) Same old, same old. Better eating, more sleep, more exercise. My main thing is sugar. I love sugar. (Who doesn’t?) I love to bake, it’s my Achilles’ heel. So, for the next week, I am trying to do NO sugar. It’s going to be hard. I don’t want to never have sugar ever again, but I really need to reduce my intake. So, let’s see, let’s see if I can do no sugar for awhile and then gradually put it back into my life. 

How I Feel:
More mad at myself than discouraged. I know what I need to do to lose weight, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to do so. I think the reason that I did so well when I was travelling was because a) I didn’t have a car, so I had to either walk or bus (which required planning) everywhere I went and b) I wasn’t working, I spent my days walking around tourist sites. I am finding it difficult to balance my work with my life responsibilities and trying to squeeze in exercise on top of that is proving to be even harder. Truthfully, I could make time for exercise, but I’m so exhausted when I get home from work that it’s extremely difficult to motivate myself to do anything besides just relaxing on the couch. The silver lining in this is that, even though I bus to work, I walk to and from the bus station almost every day, so I usually get at least a 20 minute walk in every day. Not much, but it’s something. 

Cheers, happy losing! 

Falling Off the Wagon and the Lessons I Learned

Living a healthy lifestyle is hard, it really is. I’m sure once you get used to it that it seems second nature, but overhauling your life and going from being sedentary and eating poorly to exercising daily and eating really well can be a difficult transition.

I admit, I have fallen off the wagon, if you will, in the past couple of weeks. I was in such a great mindset with exercising every day for so long and eating well and now I am finding it so hard to get back into the routine. My eating has been pretty good, actually, but the exercise is almost non-existent right now.

Earlier this week, however, I broke two of my resolutions: 1) I ate fast food (Chinese) and 2) I drank pop. Now, I’m not beating myself up for these, because I know that it’s not “bad” for me to have these things once in awhile. But it made me think and here’s why.

After I ate that food, I felt horrible. The Chinese food tasted great, don’t get me wrong, but it was typical Westernized Chinese cuisine: greasy and covered in sauce. When I eat well, I usually feel great and healthy and energized afterwards; after I ate this, I felt sluggish. Then, worse, about half an hour after eating, my stomach really started to hurt. I can only imagine that it was because of the high fat content in the food after not eating anything like that for so long, but it was incredibly uncomfortable.

As for the pop (or soda, for some of you), let me just say this: pop runs through me now. Sorry if this is TMI, but after drinking pop, I have to pee all the time. Like every 10 minutes a good few times. This does not happen with any other beverage, just pop, because it is a diuretic.

To be honest, though the food and the pop tasted great, how I felt afterwards was pretty lousy. I didn’t feel energized, I just felt kind of ill. No matter how much I love Chinese food, I think that I would rather stick to making my own healthy versions than getting takeout. It just doesn’t seem worth it.